


lie to me

by laireshi



Category: Avengers (Comics), Hickmanvengers - Fandom, Marvel 616, New Avengers (Comics)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Steve Feels, hickmanvengers, the mindwipe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-15
Updated: 2014-09-15
Packaged: 2018-02-17 10:56:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2307152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laireshi/pseuds/laireshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The incursions are over, and Steve still hasn't remembered. Everything is perfect, or it should be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	lie to me

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for beta to [magicasen](http://archiveofourown.org/users/magicasen/pseuds/magicasen).

The first morning Tony wakes up without the threat of incursions hanging over them, he spends a long time staring at his hand, expecting the red light to show up at any moment.

It’s been over a year of constant worry. A year of breaking every promise, a year of planning the unthinkable, a year of lying.

A year of simultaneously craving and dreading every meeting with Steve. A year of thinking, _that’s it_ , every time Steve got up in the morning and didn’t immediately smile at Tony.

Tony throws one arm over his eyes, and doesn’t leave his bed.

It’s been a year of doing what he had to do, but now he doesn’t need to anymore, and the realisation hits him like a ton of bricks.

He doesn’t know what to do.

Later, someone knocks at his door. He knows it’s Steve; the rhythm is unmistakable. Tony pretends to be asleep.

***

He goes out the next day: no matter how much he wants to, he can’t hide forever.

He’s been lying for over a year. What’s a day, month, _decade_ more now? He can do it.

He can.

It’s movie night day, so Tony stays in his workshop until evening, and then resurfaces before Steve can go looking for him. He goes to the living room, waves at everyone, settles on the sofa next to Steve.

Everything _is_ normal, so he acts it, and doesn’t blink as Steve moves closer to him. Steve is warm, it would be so easy to lean into him, but Tony’s been denying himself that for a year, and he can keep up all of his masks. He has to.

It’s Peter’s turn to choose the movie, and he puts on The Two Towers. Tony smiles. He knows the exact moment Steve always breaks and says, “It wasn’t like this.”

It’s good. He can pretend.

***

Tony gets up. Everything is all right again, he should be relieved . . . He can keep lying forever.

He can.

Steve smiles at him when he sees him in the kitchen, open and trusting, and Tony has to –

No, he can’t.

They’re safe now, and he doesn’t have to pretend anymore. He’s done it all, because it was the right thing, to save the world – and the right thing now, well. It’s not to lie.

He looks around. They’re alone. “I’m leaving the team,” he says, just like that, and doesn’t look at Steve.

Steve, when he speaks, sounds very composed; so composed it can’t be honest. “Why,” he says.

“Because you’ll tell me to in a moment anyway,” Tony says.

He closes his eyes, remembers Steve’s face in the moments before Strange finished his spell, and steels himself.

“Don’t – don’t interrupt me,” he says.

“Tony, what are you doing?” Steve asks, and he sounds worried. Worried about Tony. Just the thing he shouldn’t be.

Tony shakes his head. “Let me say it,” he asks.

“Okay,” Steve says slowly.

“I lied to you,” Tony says. “I’ve been lying to you. I . . .”

He doesn’t want to do it. God, but he doesn’t. He wants to stay, he wants to see Steve smiling at him, he wants to watch movies with him and fight villains together. He wants to be selfish, just this once.

But Steve deserves better than that.

Tony takes a deep breath and tells him everything. What he doesn’t say is, _sorry_. What he doesn’t ask is, _forgive me_. He’d done what he had to do, but it doesn’t matter anymore.

He’s not looking at Steve. He’s not sure what to expect, a yell or a punch. He’d take everything.

“You –” Steve starts saying, sounding stunned, and Tony looks at him. It’s a mistake. Steve looks _shattered_.

Tony expected everything, but not for Steve to turn and leave, a quiet noise like a sob escaping him.

He didn’t expect that Steve maybe would like to live in the lie as much as Tony did, if he had a choice.

***

A part of Tony wants to pretend he doesn’t notice Carol, floating outside his window, but he knows the only thing it’d lead to would be her blasting his windows in, so he sighs and opens it.

“Hello,” he says drily.

She goes in and lets her suit change into casual clothes. “What happened?” she asks.

He takes a deep breath and faces away. “Ask Steve,” he says. It’s not his story to say, not anymore.

“I would,” she says. “If he didn’t leave yesterday.”

“He what?” Tony asks sharply, turning to her.

“You left the team,” she says. “Two days later, Steve did. What’s going on, Tony?”

“It’s personal,” he mutters. “He wasn’t supposed to . . .”

“Did you kiss and it went wrong?” she asks. For a few long seconds, he’s sure he heard her wrong. He doesn’t know what his face looks like, but then she’s shaking her head. “No, you didn’t.”

“Why did you . . .” he starts to ask and stops himself. “It’s my fault,” he says quietly. Steve probably doesn’t want anything to do with him, and Tony has designed their – no, it wasn’t theirs, not anymore – the team. He’d done it for Steve, but of course it would backfire. Of course.

“You’re always very quick to say that,” she says.

Tony doesn’t deserve her faith. “I betrayed him,” he says. He hates how his voice shakes. “There isn’t anything else to it, Carol. You should keep away too.”

He almost doesn’t notice her moving before she embraces him tight. He stays tense. “Which part of ‘keep away’ –”

“Shut up,” she says. “Tony, for fuck’s sake –”

He feels her shaking her head, and she doesn’t let him go for a long time.

***

They say telling the truth sets you free, and Tony knows it does anything but.

It’s been six months without Steve, and Tony thinks it’s like missing a limb. He’ll never quite get used to it.

Sometimes he wishes he kept lying after all.

***

He hasn’t seen Steve for almost a year when Carol calls and tells him where he is.

Tony’s in his armour and on his way to Los Angeles before he can rethink it, but even in the suit, it’s a long way, and he stops, hangs in the air, calls her back. “Why?” he asks.

“Because you want to go,” she says.

For all that she’s led the Avengers wonderfully, that’s a shitty idea. “He doesn’t –”

“He’s unconscious,” she cuts in.

That settles it, really.

***

Steve is very pale.

Tony has no right to be here, in his hospital room, waiting for him to get up.

But he’s not. He’s not waiting. He only wants to see for himself Steve _is_ all right, and then he’ll go.

 _A year,_ and the last time Tony saw him . . . It wasn’t something he wants to remember. (It’s not something he can forget.)

He shuts down the armour. It hides in his wrist bands, under his sleeves, and he sits on a chair near Steve’s bed.

Five minutes, no more.

***

He wakes up to someone gripping his arm tight. His first instinct is to fight back, but then he opens his eyes, sees Steve, and freezes.

He must have fallen asleep at his bedside. He’s angry at himself.

“I will let you go if you promise not to run away,” Steve says. There’s none of the usual warmth he had when talking to Tony in his voice now.

Tony nods, once, and Steve takes his hand back. He’s sitting, propped against pillows, and looks healthier than before.

“I’m sorry,” Tony says. “I know you don’t want me here. I shouldn’t have come. I’m sorry.”

He won’t apologise for the real betrayal. He’d do it again, and he won’t insult Steve with a false apology.

“Why did you tell me that,” Steve asks, and Tony was ready for everything, but not –

He wasn’t ready for anything, but this less of all.

“I didn’t want to lie,” Tony says.

Steve laughs without a shade of amusement. “You’d been lying for months.”

“Because I had to,” Tony says, feeling empty. He shakes his head. He doesn’t want to excuse himself, because there’s no excusing what he did. “No. You’re right. I – I didn’t deserve your friendship, trust, and – you deserved to know why.”

“So you told me as some idea of self-punishment,” Steve says slowly. “Because you felt bad. That’s – that’s so fucking _selfish_.”

Tony stares at the blank wall, everything to avoid looking at Steve. “Would you rather I never told you,” he says.

“ _Yes_ ,” Steve answers, and almost immediately he shakes his head, for a moment looking angry at himself.

Tony wants to get out of there, but he promised. He broke his word enough times anyway.

“No,” Steve says, quietly. “I’ve been trying to get my head around it. I – you were my best friend.”

Tony doesn’t blink at the past tense. He’s always known it’d end like this, but . . . He only ever wanted to protect Steve, not hurt him like that. He stands up. “I should go,” he says.

“Yes,” Steve agrees. His eyes look distant. He seems very tense, his jaw set tight, his hand fisted in the sheets over his legs.

Tony doesn’t say, _good bye_.

***

Tony watches press conference from Los Angeles. Steve is introducing a new Avengers team – or, more accurately, restarting West Coast Avengers. Jan and Sam are with him. Others, who weren’t really close, but maybe they are now.

Steve doesn’t look happy though. He’s not smiling openly, there’s something dark in his eyes. He says, _The Avengers_ , and there’s longing in his voice.

Tony switches the tv off.

***

The next time they meet is on a battlefield. They fight as well as always, understanding each other without words, moving into position seamlessly.

It’s good, and Tony almost doesn’t want the fight to end, because Steve will leave, again, and – Tony misses him so much. A part of Tony is grateful to the villain attacking them: New York was in danger, so Steve came to help.

Tony steps into the line of fire without thinking, covering Steve, because this has never been a choice.

“Tony!” It’s Steve’s voice, half worried and half angry over the comms, but he shouldn’t worry. Tony’s armour protects him, and Tony is not sure if he’s disappointed by it.

Afterwards, they sit on the street, covered in blood and grit. Steve pulls his cowl off, and his hair sticks to his forehead. He runs his hand through it, makes it stand up. Tony starts smiling to himself, and then abruptly turns away. He doesn’t take his helmet off.

If he doesn’t see Steve walking away, it won’t hurt, he lies to himself.

He runs diagnostics on the armour, stands up when he’s reasonably sure he’s able to fly home. Steve calls him, and Tony freezes for a moment before turning to him.

“I’m staying,” Steve says, his tone casual, as if they weren’t – what even are they to each other now?

Tony doesn’t understand his words for a moment, because Steve has been away for so long – but New York is his city, of course. Tony nods. “I’ll keep away,” he promises.

He thinks he hears Steve say, “You don’t have to,” before he’s flying away.


End file.
